48 or Less

In less than 48 hours I’ll be holding our baby boy, our third son, and I am overcome.

With gratitude and joy, with excitement and love. And also with nerves, grieving change and to be honest, a bit of fear and anxiety. And those last two I don’t remember having before Grayson. Then this morning I read his birth story again. I was reminded of how I write with such feeling (internally laughing at my flare for deep and dramatic overtones) but also realizing I haven’t allowed myself the time or space to process near as much as I did with my first two pregnancies.

Between the pandemic turning everything on its head, learning life of four at home with mom and dad both parenting and working, and mothering two little men who are much more of a handful then William was at 15-22 months old… well life has been different. This season has been different. And as I sit here finally taking my heart to this blank space of invitation, I see how I have been welling up with so much and not letting it overflow to many places. Except for prayer, I’ve let it drench that holy space and met my Father in such intimate ways these many months.

He’s met me the kindest in quiet graces that have held most profound in this third pregnancy.

In His word, in reaching me more tenderly in the gospel. Drawing me up and out to share it bolder.

In my husband and the covenant joy of our marriage, this growing curve this time has held us in.

In the beautiful, wild, unruly and unpredictable of mamahood. My greatest treasures.

And in the weaving of knowing other mothers, learning and living beside them in their own seasons.

Do I miss the writing and pouring out? Certainly, and I’m excited to step back into that space. I feel the tugging wide and deep as I imagine the tugging open and pulling up of this our third and last child into the world, at least from my belly. It’s a strange thing to know, to put into words all that my heart feels knowing we’ve made that choice. I’m sure once he is here I’ll be able to even fuller.

As we prepare to meet him, the fear and anxiety fight to take over but I am taken to 2 Timothy 1.

“Paul, an apostle of Christ Jesus by the will of God according to the promise of the life that is in Christ Jesus,

To Timothy, my beloved child:

Grace, mercy, and peace from God the Father and Christ Jesus our Lord and Savior.

I thank God whom I serve, as did my ancestors, with a clear conscience, as I remember you constantly in my prayers night and day. As I remember your tears, I long to see you, that I may be filled with joy. I am reminded of your sincere faith, a faith that dwelt first in your grandmother Lois and your mother Eunice and now, I am sure, dwells in you as well.  For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands,  for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.

I find so much comfort here, and also calling.

I am comforted that we are held in prayer by our spiritual family. I am comforted that as a body of Christ, it is the Father’s heart for us to live abundant. I am comforted that our communities of faith are given eyes to see one another as Christ sees us. In our hard and vulnerable places, and also in our strength and joy. And I hear the upward calling, of receiving what Christ intended for us. As a child of God I have His spirit as my dwelling place. I have His spirit empowering me in all that I need, and crushing fear in its place. And the Lord has used my body as a dwelling place for yet another miracle that has the kingdom potential to silence darkness as a beacon of light for our Maker and His promises.

Do not be afraid, the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. (Joshua 1:9)

Do not be afraid. The Lord knows we will all feel afraid at times. Our humanness tugs, the world is weary. But God! We are called to unafraid. Being is dwelling, existing… and we aren’t made to exist there with Jesus. We can exist in the rest of His peace, the joy of His Kingdom. And as a mother to William, Grayson and this little man, my body –and now my daily mothering–have both been homes for them to dwell with Christ. To know Him and the life that he lovingly gifted to us.

I can’t wait to see His sovereignty continue to unfold in the daily spaces of life.

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